


The World Keeps Turning, But We Stop

by AliceSloane13



Category: Big Little Lies (TV)
Genre: Beach Day, F/F, Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-22 07:11:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13758942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceSloane13/pseuds/AliceSloane13
Summary: Jane had stayed behind at the beach, wanting to enjoy the feeling of wholeness that she’d found that afternoon. It would be easy to go with the others and enjoy their company a little longer, but she didn’t trust herself not to break. She didn’t want that kind of attention, and she didn’t want to make the day about her.





	The World Keeps Turning, But We Stop

**Author's Note:**

> I still don't feel like I have these two down just yet, but here's the start of a story! 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr under the same handle (alicesloane13)

Despite spending the day at the beach, and being worn out from the sun and playing, the kids had somehow convinced them all that they needed ice cream. And, despite being both emotionally and physically exhausted, their mothers agreed. 

Well, they compromised on frozen yogurt. 

It took nearly 40 minutes to pack up, load the cars, gather the kids, and contain their manic energy into two of the five vehicles. Ziggy was having a sleepover with Chloe. As a new gesture of solidarity, Maddie had extended the invitation to Amabella. 

Jane had stayed behind, wanting to enjoy the feeling of wholeness that she’d found that afternoon. It would be easy to go with the others and enjoy their company a little longer, but she didn’t trust herself not to break. She didn’t want that kind of attention, and she didn’t want to make the day about her. 

That afternoon had been about each of them. All of them. None of them. What had happened… it wasn’t hers alone, and she felt like she needed to keep the part of herself that was still so emotionally volatile private. 

The waves crashed more loudly, as the tide changed. The calming back and forth of the day was leading to the angry clashes that melted into night. The world felt angry. Streaks of reds and purples still scratched across the sky, claiming the moment as a part of something darker. 

Celeste might understand that, but the others wouldn’t. 

The beach seemed to somehow always hold her secrets, and it was here that she felt like she could let them go. Drawing her knees up in front of her, Jane rested her arms on top of them. It would be dark soon, but she wasn’t in any rush to leave. She’d been holding herself together by sheer strength of will, not wanting to show any weakness in front of the others—in front of Ziggy. 

Even now, with the night to herself breaking down at home wasn’t an idea she was fond of. Somehow it felt like it would taint the space she’d made for them. There had been enough tears there already. 

She clenched her hands into tight fists, enjoying the small rush she got from her nails digging into her palms. She would take physical pain over the torment in her head any day. Closing her eyes, she sucked in what was supposed to be a calming breath. It came as more of a ragged rush, and she bit down on her lip. 

“Hey,” said a voice from behind her. 

Jane’s forehead scrunched up in confused amusement. “You forget something?” she asked, looking over her shoulder and up at Renata.

Renata smiled and sat down, scooting right up next to her before answering. “Something like that,” she said lazily, bumping her shoulder against Jane’s. “I know you said you wanted some time to yourself, but…” she paused. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.” 

“You’re sweet to worry,” Jane said. She laughed harshly at how that sounded coming out of her mouth. “God, I’ve been spending too much time around Maddie.” 

Renata laughed, and the throaty noise rang through Jane’s ears and briefly blocked out the crashes of the waves that suddenly felt so much more violent than they had moments before. 

“I hope it’s not contagious,” Renata said, sounding only half-joking. They sat in silence until she spoke again. “I never really hated her,” she admitted. 

Jane nodded and stretched her legs out in front of her, resting back on her hands. “She never hated you either.” 

She could tell Renata was still unsure about her place in the group, but Jane was so new that she didn’t know if she was exactly the right person to put those worries to bed. She might have been closer to the girls, but Renata had been a part of their world for much longer. 

“I don’t know about that.” Renata sat cross-legged and turned to face Jane. “Whatever though,” she said with a wave of her hand. “It’s in the past.” She watched Jane and tilted her head with a soft smile. “If you want to be alone I can go,” she offered. 

Jane heard the silent plea in Renata’s tone. The unspoken, please don’t make me leave. Of course she wanted Renata to stay, but it was for selfish reasons. If it had been any of the others, she would have felt tense and anxious, but with Renata, it just felt easy. She didn’t know why. 

“You can stay,” Jane said with a half smile. “You don’t have to though,” she added quickly. “I mean, if you have something to do, or… I’m okay.” 

“I’m staying,” Renata said, cutting off any more flustered ramblings Jane might continue with. Jane smiled at her shyly, and Renata rolled her eyes. “Come here,” she said, dragging Jane up next to her and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. 

Her heart was pounding so loudly that Jane was sure Renata might hear it. She sat motionless, afraid that if she moved the moment would be over. The warmth of Renata’s arm across her back was making her dizzy. It was stupid, but somehow exactly what she needed. 

Renata squeezed her shoulder affectionately, and Jane started to relax. She allowed herself to be coaxed closer and soon found herself nestled against Renata’s side. Without giving it too much thought, lost in the sensation of comfort, Jane leaned her head against Renata and let out a heavy breath. 

“I know I’m the last person you’d believe this from, but it’s okay to not be okay all the time,” Renata said, daring to break the moment with a harsh truth. She knew how lonely that facade could be. Jane was too young to become like her. 

Jane thought she felt Renata kiss the top of her head, but she couldn’t be sure. “They’re just old wounds, and Celeste’s are so fresh. She needs Maddie right now.” Wiping at tears she hadn’t realized she had cried, Jane shrugged. “And poor Bonnie... I can’t imagine. She doesn’t deserve to have to carry that.” 

“Hey,” Renata cooed. She pulled Jane from her embrace and turned her to face her. Squeezing her upper arms, she ducked down to meet Jane’s gaze. “No one is carrying it alone. Not what happened to Celeste. Not what Bonnie did. Not what happened to you.” When Jane looked away, Renata grabbed her chin and raised her face once more. “You’re not alone, honey.”

Jane felt Renata’s hands cupping her face, and felt like she might truly fall apart. She moved forward, and wrapped her arms around Renata’s waist, burying her face against her shoulder. It was easier to initiate the contact than it was to face the compassion in Renata’s eyes.

Renata’s voice dropped to a low murmur as she spoke, “You don’t have to be alone.” She rocked Jane side to side, silently willing her to accept whatever comfort she could offer. 

A shiver went up Jane’s back as the wind gusted. She’d only worn a light hoodie to the beach, and it was doing little to protect her from the dropping temperature. She leaned further into Renata’s embrace but was gently pushed away. 

“Here,” Renata said, stretching her legs out and pulling Jane into the space between them. She wrapped her arms around Jane’s chest and grinned as Jane brought her hands up and tucked her fingers behind her arm. 

It was the first time in the past few weeks that Renata felt like she had any control. This was easy. Seeing pain and offering comfort. It made sense. Without the cloud of anger and fear she could breath. Squeezing Jane a little tighter, she tried to project that comfort. 

It took a few minutes before Jane relaxed into Renata's warmth. It had been so long since she'd shared even that level of intimacy with anyone. She focused on Renata's warmth and closed her eyes. The sunset was holding little interest for her any longer.

She felt Renata's chin rest in her shoulder. Her breath breezed against Jane's neck, causing the younger woman to shiver. 

Thinking that Jane was still cold, Renata drew her legs up, pressing her knees gently around Jane. She dropped her forehead to Jane's shoulder attempting to hide the blush that had erupted on her cheeks. It had meant to be a gesture between friends, but she hadn't fully thought her actions through. All she could do was hope that Jane understood her intent. "This okay?" 

Jane felt tongue tied, but managed to make a noise of consent. That awakening feeling that she had talked to Maddie about was turning from a spark into a small flame. 

They continued to sit there, just enjoying the moment. The sun finally set, and there was a moment where neither wanted to move.

With a final squeeze, Jane pulled back. “Thank you,” she said, with an embarrassed laugh. She wiped the tears from her cheeks and collected herself. Lacing her hands behind her neck, she let out a huff of air. 

Renata rubbed her thigh encouragingly and nodded. “Hey,” she said, not quite wanting the moment to be over. “Do you wanna come to my house for a bit?” She leaned forward and brushed a lock of stray hair from Jane’s face. 

“Really?”

Laughing, Renata nodded. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t mean it.” She rose to her feet and held a hand out for Jane. “C’mon.” She grabbed Jane’s hands and pulled her to her feet. 

Jane hadn’t been expecting to stand up so close to Renata. She also didn’t expect the other woman to cup her face in a manner similar to the way Celeste had at the funeral. Mere inches away from Renata, Jane looked up at her helplessly. Grateful for the ever-dimming light, she could feel her cheeks heat up at the intimacy of the moment. 

Her breath caught in her throat as Renata leaned forward. Balling her hands into fists, she tried to ignore the way they shook. To both her relief and disappointment, Renata dropped her forehead against Jane’s. 

Renata had never been one to seek comfort, even from her husband—especially from her husband. She had grown up knowing that the only person she could depend on was herself. It had kept her safe—albeit somewhat lonely—for most of her life. 

Somehow, this girl had gotten to her. Maybe it was the weight of the situation they shared, but she knew she would never expose herself like this to the others. All she had wanted to do was comfort Jane, but now she sought a small bit of comfort for herself. 

Jane was about to pull Renata into a hug, but she was already backing away. Biting her lip, she resisted asking if she were okay. None of them were really okay. They could talk later, for now, she settled on packing up her stuff and following Renata up to their cars. 

“See you at home?” Renata asked. She bit her lip and raised her eyebrows in question. She wasn’t ready for the evening to end, and hoped Jane wasn’t having second thoughts about coming over. Their past had been nothing if not antagonistic—maybe not as fueled as her past with Maddie, but she still felt as though she had a long way to go in making things up to Jane and Ziggy. 

Jane nodded, smiling at the uncertainty in Renata’s voice. She was liking this softer side of Renata and hoped she didn’t put that wall of ferocity back up before the night was over. “I’ll follow you,” she said and watched Renata visibly relax.

**Author's Note:**

> This was intended to be a little bit longer, but I was told by hold-onto-your-heart that I needed to “get them up and moving and not abandon them to high tide.” 
> 
> She helped me tremendously with this chapter which was very awesome of her :)


End file.
